I have this irrational fear at times. What if people don’t like my writing? Don’t take me seriously because of the topics I choose to write…
like topics on puppies. I wrote a poem called “To All The Puppies I Ever Loved” not too long ago.
Would someone love the poem just as much as I would? Sometimes my finger hovers over the spacebar, hesitantly…
To publish or not to publish? That is the question.
Hamlet was contemplating suicide.
Hitting publish would be the least of my worries compared to Hamlet’s predicament.
But why do I hesitant?
Why do I wait?
Is it for possible ridicule? Judgement?
Nah. That doesn’t seem right.
In reality, I don’t like the feeling of being small. I don’t want to look like a fool and naive. Because naive is the opposite of wise. I’m not taken seriously.
In reality, I do want to come across as someone who writes about big ideas for a huge audience, with total poise and assurance. I want people to feel assured that they can trust my words as truth, or how I have experienced truth.
Not to feed to my ego (although maybe at an unconscious level that’s what it is), but because if I want to help my loved ones, my irrational brain thinks that I have to reach a wider audience. I have to reach people with a little more influence to help spread and bring about change.
I know I’m wrong. I know that people make big change even in smallness.
But then I’m reminded of Apostle Paul — the greatness in his words — as he challenged the churches as well as encouraged them in the faith found in Christ.
I think of the depth and profoundness of John’s testament and his craftsmanship as a writer.
I’m not great as them…
You are small, because I made you this way…
I can only imagine those would be the words of God if I heard his voice.
And in truth, that’s who I really want to write about.
I want to write about God and his love.
But I have fears, just as any small mortal does. What I believe in is a fairytale to many.
I want to be a friend to the world. But the more I do, I can feel the worldly side of me — of sensuality:
I pay too much attention to the beauty of flowers. Delicious scents. The taste of sweetness . The wonders of the world in travels — all made in God’s glory.
I love the world and its beauty…
But the constant reminder still pulls at me…
You are in this world but not of it.
I wish the words of Christ would be more comfort to me. But it’s easy to give in to what the world has to offer.
Where is my armor? Why have I let my defenses down? Why should I care if the world thinks of me as a zealot like Simon , a former magician, or “that type” of person weakened by Christ and confines of religion.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the powers of this dark world…Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (Ephesians 6: 12–13)
The truth is, the more I align myself with God, the more I separate myself from the world and its people.
Am I willing to gain a “follower” of the world at the expense of losing God and what he wants me to be?…
To love people anyways.
And to guard my faith, guard God, in this time of rebuke and persecution.
I know God does not need protecting.
But in the meanwhile, I hope God forgives my writing whenever it strays too much from his pure love.
On this journey, please let me wander…
But don’t let me fall…